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Dog Day
Posted on Saturday 19 April 2008

I suck. Yeah, I haven’t written in, like, 6 months. Actually, I have been writing just not here. Besides, I’ve been busy with truly important things such as putting criminals behind bars.

It’s true; I was recently served with a subpoena to testify for the people of Colorado in a high profile court case. I was amazed that my testimony was so important, especially when I couldn’t even remember witnessing anything. The subpoena didn’t reference the charges; only the defendant, so my imagination began to run wild with what this trial might be about. I pictured Tony Soprano and company staring me down while I turned state’s evidence about their latest “thing”. However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember seeing anything exciting.

I couldn’t stand the suspense and called the district attorney’s office with hope they could shed light on the enigma. After an extensive search of the court’s database I was told I would testify in a case of Dog At Large.

It all came back to me, slowly, like the rising tide. I had signed a piece of paper stating I saw a Black Labrador roaming the streets of our neighborhood. Others neighbors claimed to know who owned the animal but the alleged perp categorically denied the accusation and stated that his dog was still in his house.

This went on daily for almost three weeks. My understanding is that there was eventually enough evidence that the dog owner was served with a citation. The guy decided that he didn’t want to pay the fine and opted for a court trial.

So I showed up to court on the specified date only to find that I was the only person there to represent the hood. Upon checking the docket posted outside the courtroom, I realized the case wasn’t listed so I showed my subpoena to the DA. He said that case was actually scheduled for the prior week to which the defendant didn’t show so they rescheduled for the date of my subpoena. Unfortunately, my papers commanded me to show at 1:00pm but the case was actually on the morning docket. Again…no defendant.

The DA said they had issued a bench warrant and planned to pick the guy up at home during the week sometime. So this guy is going to jail because he refuses to admit his dog got loose and he was too irresponsible to show up to the trial HE requested. Now aside from wondering how the DA’s office can rise to such a level of ineptness I need to know what this guy is going to tell his cell mate when the inevitable question of “whatcha in for” arises.

I guess there was an initial court date for which my presence was not requested but other neighbors showed. These were the people that said they knew he was the owner of the dog. One of them lives directly across the street from the man and they say that since the trial, he has had a telescope aimed at their front window.

I have to admit – if I lived there I would suddenly begin walking around nude and point a telescope back at his house with a sign requesting he strip down as well. Regardless…I think I’ll be applying for the witness protection program.
 
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